Author Topic: ~ Food Quotes ~  (Read 12539 times)

Offline MysteRy

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Re: ~ Food Quotes ~
« Reply #60 on: October 29, 2017, 07:23:26 PM »
[highlight-text]If I bought a company that made hot dog buns, on Day 1 we would add 2 buns to every package... Day 2, work on deliciousness.

Mitch Hedberg

Offline MysteRy

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Re: ~ Food Quotes ~
« Reply #61 on: October 29, 2017, 07:24:12 PM »
[highlight-text]I had a piece of Carefree Sugarless gum and I was still worried. It never kicked in, I took it back to the store and said 'Bullshit!'

Mitch Hedberg

Offline MysteRy

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Re: ~ Food Quotes ~
« Reply #62 on: October 29, 2017, 07:24:53 PM »
[highlight-text]I was walking down the street the other day when this guy asked if I wanted a frozen banana...I said 'no' but then thought I might want a regular banana later, so...yeah.

Mitch Hedberg

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Re: ~ Food Quotes ~
« Reply #63 on: October 29, 2017, 07:26:01 PM »
[highlight-text]I like vending machines 'cause snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, oftentimes, I will drop it... so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.

Mitch Hedberg

Offline MysteRy

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Re: ~ Food Quotes ~
« Reply #64 on: October 29, 2017, 07:26:42 PM »
[highlight-text]I think Pringles original intention was to make tennis balls... but on the day the rubber was supposed to show up a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid-back company, so they just said, 'Sorry it, cut em up!'

Mitch Hedberg

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Re: ~ Food Quotes ~
« Reply #65 on: October 29, 2017, 07:27:23 PM »
[highlight-text]I saw this dude, he was wearing a leather jacket, and at the same time he was eating a hamburger and drinking a glass of milk. I said to him 'Dude, you're a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I'll tip you over.'

Mitch Hedberg

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Re: ~ Food Quotes ~
« Reply #66 on: October 29, 2017, 07:28:26 PM »
[highlight-text]I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the Sorryer gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the Sorryer gave me the 'donate it to charity' slice. I would like to exchange this for the 'keep it!'

Mitch Hedberg

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Re: ~ Food Quotes ~
« Reply #67 on: October 29, 2017, 07:30:53 PM »
[highlight-text]There are people who strictly deprive themselves of each and every eatable drinkable and smokable which has in any way acquired a shady reputation. They pay this price for health. And health is all they get for it. How strange it is. It is like paying out your whole fortune for a cow that has gone dry.

Mark Twain

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Re: ~ Food Quotes ~
« Reply #68 on: October 29, 2017, 07:33:04 PM »
[highlight-text]If I worked at a store and a duck came in I would like just give him some bread-- 'sure man no problem-- tell your friends'--- but I would not give him Pepperidge Farm bread....You know that stuff right? you open it and it still ain't open. That is why I do not buy it. Cause I do not need another step, between ME and toast.'

Mitch Hedberg

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Re: ~ Food Quotes ~
« Reply #69 on: October 29, 2017, 07:33:37 PM »
[highlight-text]I ordered a chicken sandwich but I think the waitress misunderstood me because she said, 'How would you like your eggs?' So I tried to answer her anyhow. I said 'Incubated, and then raised, and then beheaded, and then plucked and then cut up then put onto a grill then put onto a bun. Shit, it's gonna take awhile. I don't have time, scrambled!'

Mitch Hedberg