~ Funny Quotes ~

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

Frank Sinatra

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]If I bought a company that made hot dog buns, on Day 1 we would add 2 buns to every package... Day 2, work on deliciousness.

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]The day I made that statement about the inventing the internet I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.

Al Gore

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. First let her think she's having her own way. And second let her have it.

Lyndon B. Johnson

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]I don't have any children but if I had a baby I would have to name it so I'd buy a 'baby naming book'. Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]My wife and I just celebrated our twelfth anniversary. I'm Catholic so there's no real possibility of divorce. I'm Irish - so there is the possibility of murder.

J. J. Wall

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder yes but divorce never.

Jack Benny

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade. You could just be...a thirsty dude! Gatorade forgets about this demographic!

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]I like vending machines 'cause snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, oftentimes, I will drop it... so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now thanks to the Internet we know this is not true.

Robert Wilensky

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]I walked into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around. And, when I finally get in, the guy says, 'Can I help you?' 'Just practicing.'

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]If you're watchin' a parade, make sure you stand in one spot, don't follow it, it never changes. And if the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction, you will fast-foward the parade.

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]This is what my friend said to me; he said, 'Guess what I like? Mashed potatoes.' It's like,'Dude. you gotta give me time to guess. If you're gonna quiz me, you must insert a pause in there.'

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]The Kit-Kat candy bar has the name 'Kit-Kat' imprinted into the chocolate...that robs you of chocolate! That is a clever chocolate saving technique. I go down to the factory, 'You owe me some letters!'

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]Sometimes in the middle of the night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.

Mitch Hedberg