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Funny QuotesFamous Funny quotes by popular authors such as Mitch Hedberg, Groucho Marx, W. C. Fields, Mark Twain, Woody Allen and others.
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[highlight-text]I rant therefore I am.
Dennis Miller
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[highlight-text]I like children - fried.
W. C. Fields
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[highlight-text]I dressed up for the CD.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]I am an atheist thank God!
Anonymous
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[highlight-text]I like marriage. The idea.
Toni Morrison
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[highlight-text]Gray hair is God's graffiti.
Bill Cosby
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[highlight-text]Never floss with a stranger.
Joan Rivers
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[highlight-text]Dogs are my favorite people.
Richard Dean Anderson
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[highlight-text]TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
Frank Lloyd Wright
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[highlight-text]Never fight an inanimate object.
P. J. O'Rourke
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[highlight-text]Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
George Carlin
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[highlight-text]A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
Yogi Berra
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[highlight-text]I think serial monogamy says it all.
Tracey Ullman
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[highlight-text]As I get older I just prefer to knit.
Tracey Ullman
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[highlight-text]I love New York City, I've got a gun.
Charles Barkley
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[highlight-text]O Lord help me to be pure but not yet.
Saint Augustine
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[highlight-text]I never said most of the things I said.
Yogi Berra
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[highlight-text]I spent a year in that town one Sunday.
George Burns
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[highlight-text]The superfluous a very necessary thing.
Voltaire
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[highlight-text]Good Americans when they die go to Paris.
Thomas Gold Appleton
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[highlight-text]I intend to live forever. So far so good.
Steven Wright
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[highlight-text]I used to be Snow White... but I drifted.
Mae West
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[highlight-text]You're only as good as your last haircut.
Fran Lebowitz
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[highlight-text]My girl works at Hooters, in the kitchen.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]In God we trust; all others must pay cash.
American Saying
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[highlight-text]Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
Anonymous
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[highlight-text]I hope you live to be as old as your jokes.
Anonymous
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[highlight-text]I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
Emo Philips
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[highlight-text]If two wrongs don't make a right try three.
Laurence J. Peter
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[highlight-text]Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
Groucho Marx
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[highlight-text]When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
George Burns
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[highlight-text]A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]I know lots more old drunks than old doctors.
Joe E. Lewis
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[highlight-text]Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
Fran Lebowitz
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[highlight-text]The wise make proverbs and fools repeat them.
Isaac Disraeli
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[highlight-text]I'd luv to kiss ya but I just washed my hair.
Bette Davis
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[highlight-text]Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
Victor Hugo
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[highlight-text]Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.
Lewis Mumford
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[highlight-text]I have never been hurt by what I have not said.
Calvin Coolidge
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[highlight-text]Electricity is really just organized lightning.
George Carlin
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[highlight-text]I'm an ice sculptor - last night I made a cube.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
Erma Bombeck
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[highlight-text]I bought some batteries but they weren't included.
Steven Wright
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[highlight-text]I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
Warren Buffett
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[highlight-text]God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.
Naguib Mahfouz
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[highlight-text]Never have more children than you have car windows.
Erma Bombeck
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[highlight-text]The way taxes are you might as well marry for love.
Joe E. Lewis
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[highlight-text]I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]We had a very successful trip to Russia we got back.
Bob Hope
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[highlight-text]Wal-Mart what's that? Do they like make walls there?
Paris Hilton
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[highlight-text]My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
Woody Allen
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[highlight-text]I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries.
Stephen King
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[highlight-text]I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier.
Howard Nemerov
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[highlight-text]I cook with wine sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. Fields
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[highlight-text]I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Woody Allen
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[highlight-text]I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles.
Gilbert K. Chesterton
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[highlight-text]Insanity is hereditary, you get it from your children.
Sam Levenson
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[highlight-text]If love is the answer could you rephrase the question?
Lily Tomlin
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[highlight-text]I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.
W. C. Fields
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[highlight-text]Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
W. C. Fields
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[highlight-text]We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect.
Alanis Morissette
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[highlight-text]Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Edgar Bergen
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[highlight-text]A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
Groucho Marx
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[highlight-text]Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
Mark Twain
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[highlight-text]I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
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[highlight-text]I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx
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[highlight-text]I'm a great housekeeper: I get divorced I keep the house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
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[highlight-text]Curiosity killed the cat but for a while I was a suspect.
Steven Wright
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[highlight-text]I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.
Bob Hope
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[highlight-text]I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Groucho Marx
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[highlight-text]In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
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[highlight-text]An escalator can never break - it can only become stairs.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Groucho Marx
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[highlight-text]I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Bertrand Russell
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[highlight-text]Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
Fred Allen
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[highlight-text]If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.
Woody Allen
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[highlight-text]He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
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[highlight-text]In comic strips the person on the left always speaks first.
George Carlin
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[highlight-text]My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.
Spike Milligan
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[highlight-text]I don't consider myself bald, I'm just taller than my hair.
Seneca
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[highlight-text]My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]Get your facts first then you can distort them as you please.
Mark Twain
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[highlight-text]Between two evils I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
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[highlight-text]Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Steven Wright
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[highlight-text]I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
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[highlight-text]If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers
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[highlight-text]My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
Mike Myers
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[highlight-text]Roses are red violets are blue I'm schizophrenic and so am I.
Oscar Levant
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[highlight-text]I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]Advertising is the most fun you can have with your clothes on.
Jerry Delia Femina
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[highlight-text]Man was made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.
Mark Twain
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[highlight-text]Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
P. J. O'Rourke
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[highlight-text]I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]There's a difference between a philosophy and a bumper sticker.
Charles M. Schulz
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[highlight-text]By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's I mean.
Mark Twain
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[highlight-text]There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
Henry Kissinger
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[highlight-text]I was sleeping the other night alone thanks to the exterminator.
Emo Philips
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[highlight-text]I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going but I'm on my way.
Carl Sandburg
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[highlight-text]It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.
Jay London
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[highlight-text]Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.
Samuel Butler
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[highlight-text]What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
George Carlin
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[highlight-text]Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Michel de Montaigne
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[highlight-text]My computer beat me at checkers but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
Emo Philips
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[highlight-text]The secret to success is to offend the greatest number of people.
George Bernard Shaw
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[highlight-text]My doctor said I look like a million dollars - green and wrinkled.
Red Skelton
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[highlight-text]One reason people get divorced is that they run out of gift ideas.
Robert Byrne
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[highlight-text]A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
Bob Hope
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[highlight-text]Drawing on my fine command of the English language I said nothing.
Robert Benchley
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[highlight-text]Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.
Chevy Chase
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[highlight-text]The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
E. Joseph Cossman
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[highlight-text]California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
Fred Allen
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[highlight-text]A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright
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[highlight-text]All right everyone line up alphabetically according to your height.
Casey Stengel
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[highlight-text]I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
Charles M. Schulz
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[highlight-text]Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
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[highlight-text]I distrust camels and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
Joe E. Lewis
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[highlight-text]My father would take me to the playground and put me on mood swings.
Jay London
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[highlight-text]Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.
Alfred Hitchcock
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[highlight-text]Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
Bill Cosby
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[highlight-text]I haven't spoken to my wife in years - I didn't want to interrupt her.
Rodney Dangerfield
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[highlight-text]Everybody knows how to raise children except the people who have them.
P. J. O'Rourke
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[highlight-text]I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
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[highlight-text]If truth is beauty how come no one has their hair done in the library?
Lily Tomlin
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[highlight-text]I am not afraid of death I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
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[highlight-text]Golf is a game in which you yell 'fore ' shoot six and write down five.
Paul Harvey
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[highlight-text]I like it when people laugh for no reason... like that lady over there.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
Henry Mencken
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[highlight-text]Enjoy life. Think of all the women who passed up dessert on the Titanic.
Anonymous
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[highlight-text]I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Fred Allen
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[highlight-text]If my films make one more person miserable I'll feel I have done my job.
Woody Allen
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[highlight-text](From the enclosed booklet) Jamaican Air -- Every flight is the red-eye!
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]Everybody should believe in something; I believe I'll have another drink.
Anonymous
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[highlight-text]Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind it doesn't matter.
Mark Twain
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[highlight-text]The four building blocks of the universe are fire water gravel and vinyl.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.
Paula Poundstone
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[highlight-text]I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
Woody Allen
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[highlight-text]I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.
Gerald R. Ford
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[highlight-text]Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes I had one thousand and sixty.
Imelda Marcos
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[highlight-text]Golf is not a matter of life or death. It is much more important than that.
Rod Powers
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[highlight-text]Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.
Henry Kissinger
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[highlight-text]There's a great power in words if you don't hitch too many of them together.
Josh Billings
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[highlight-text]I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, 'Dude, you have to wait.'
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]I don't like talking to people I know, but strangers, I have no problem with.
Larry David
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[highlight-text]I don't say my golf game is bad but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced.
Miller Barber
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[highlight-text]A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Groucho Marx
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[highlight-text]Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
Hedy Lamarr
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[highlight-text]I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.
James Brown
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[highlight-text]The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.
Natalie Wood
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[highlight-text]Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.
Robert Byrne
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[highlight-text]People always ask me 'Were you funny as a child?' Well no I was an accountant.
Ellen DeGeneres
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[highlight-text]Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.
Ronald Reagan
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[highlight-text]I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]Happiness is having a large loving caring close-knit family... in another city.
George Burns
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[highlight-text]A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
Bill Cosby
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[highlight-text]I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.
Samuel Goldwyn
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[highlight-text]I sang in the choir for years even though my family belonged to another church.
Paul Lynde
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[highlight-text]I'd never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room.
Mercedes McCambridge
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[highlight-text]Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.
Robert Orben
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[highlight-text]Smoking kills. If you're killed you've lost a very important part of your life.
Brooke Shields
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[highlight-text]I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say 'I'm hungry,' so it died.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade, make life take the lemons back!
Cave Johnson
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[highlight-text]It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
Henry Mencken
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[highlight-text]I don't want to play golf. When I hit a ball I want someone else to go chase it.
Rogers Hornsby
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[highlight-text]When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first divorced me and the second won't.
Anonymous
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[highlight-text]A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
George Bernard Shaw
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[highlight-text]I always wanted to be somebody but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
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[highlight-text]After a year of therapy my psychiatrist said to me 'Maybe life isn't for everyone.'
Larry Brown
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[highlight-text]Older people shouldn't eat health food they need all the preservatives they can get.
Robert Orben
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[highlight-text]Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
Mel Brooks
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[highlight-text]I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]Brought up to respect the conventions love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.
Bette Davis
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[highlight-text]If you have dentures, don't use artificial sweetener, cause you'll get a fake cavity.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]A fly was very close to being called a 'land,' cause that's what they do half the time.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]If people focused on life's really important matters there'd be a shortage of golf clubs.
Anonymous
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[highlight-text]Always end the name of your child with a vowel so that when you yell the name will carry.
Bill Cosby
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[highlight-text]Have enough sense to know ahead of time when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.
Marilyn vos Savant
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[highlight-text]Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
Bill Cosby
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[highlight-text]I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.
Will Rogers
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[highlight-text]Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
Laurence J. Peter
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[highlight-text]My wife is the most wonderful woman in the world and that's not just my opinion - it's hers.
Anonymous
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[highlight-text]Why did God make man before he made woman? Because he didn't want any advice on how to do it.
Anonymous
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[highlight-text]The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
Jay Leno
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[highlight-text]Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
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[highlight-text]TwoMy doctor gave me six months to live but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more.
Walter Mattbau
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[highlight-text]If at first you don't succeed try try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it.
W. C. Fields
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[highlight-text]I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
Will Rogers
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[highlight-text]Give me golf clubs fresh air and a beautiful partner and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
Jack Benny
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[highlight-text]I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things and I have succeeded fairly well.
Robert Benchley
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[highlight-text]Money won't buy happiness but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
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[highlight-text]I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. NOTHING WAS ALPHABETIZED!
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Unless, of course, they enjoy many broken windows.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.
Joe Rogan
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[highlight-text]The number one cause of alcoholic relapse in winged insects is being trapped in a pint glass with an ashtray.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas people behind me stop and I'm gone.
Steven Wright
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[highlight-text]Whenever I go to shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving, so I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]If I was on death row and given one last meal I would ask for a fortune cookie. 'Come on 'long prosperous life!''
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
Johnny Carson
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[highlight-text]A lot of people have asked me how short I am. Since my last divorce I think I'm about a hundred thousand dollars short.
Mickey Rooney
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[highlight-text]I angered the clerk in a clothing shop today. She asked me what size I was and I said actual, because I am not to scale.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]I lived in Miami for a while in a section with a lot of really old people. The average age in my apartment house was dead.
Gabe Kaplan
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[highlight-text]I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
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[highlight-text]If I bought a company that made hot dog buns, on Day 1 we would add 2 buns to every package... Day 2, work on deliciousness.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]The day I made that statement about the inventing the internet I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore
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[highlight-text]I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. First let her think she's having her own way. And second let her have it.
Lyndon B. Johnson
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[highlight-text]I don't have any children but if I had a baby I would have to name it so I'd buy a 'baby naming book'. Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]My wife and I just celebrated our twelfth anniversary. I'm Catholic so there's no real possibility of divorce. I'm Irish - so there is the possibility of murder.
J. J. Wall
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[highlight-text]My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder yes but divorce never.
Jack Benny
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[highlight-text]By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade. You could just be...a thirsty dude! Gatorade forgets about this demographic!
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]I like vending machines 'cause snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, oftentimes, I will drop it... so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now thanks to the Internet we know this is not true.
Robert Wilensky
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[highlight-text]I walked into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around. And, when I finally get in, the guy says, 'Can I help you?' 'Just practicing.'
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]If you're watchin' a parade, make sure you stand in one spot, don't follow it, it never changes. And if the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction, you will fast-foward the parade.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]This is what my friend said to me; he said, 'Guess what I like? Mashed potatoes.' It's like,'Dude. you gotta give me time to guess. If you're gonna quiz me, you must insert a pause in there.'
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]The Kit-Kat candy bar has the name 'Kit-Kat' imprinted into the chocolate...that robs you of chocolate! That is a clever chocolate saving technique. I go down to the factory, 'You owe me some letters!'
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]Sometimes in the middle of the night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]See, this CD is in stores. The only way I could get my old CD into a store is if I were to take one in and leave it. Then the guys says, 'Sir, you forgot this!' 'No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it.'
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]My friend said to me, 'I think the weather's trippy.' I said, 'No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy.' Then I thought, 'Man, I should have just said, 'Yeah.''
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number to be catchy? But often times they use too many letters. 'Give us a call down here at 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Carpeting.' It's too many letters, man. 'Hello?' 'Hold on, I'm only on 'Enjoy'! How did you know I was calling? I can see why they hired you!'
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]Experts tell us that if the Millennium Bug is not fixed when the year 2000 arrives our financial records will be inaccurate our telephone system will be unreliable our government will be paralyzed and airline flights will be canceled without warning. In other words things will be pretty much the same as they are now.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]I was at the airport a while back and some guy said, 'Hey man, I saw you on TV last night.' But he did not say whether or not he thought I was good, he was just confirming that he saw me on television. So I turned my head away for about a minute, and looked back at him and said, 'Dude! I saw you at the airport...about a minute ago... and you were good.'
Mitch Hedberg