FTC Forum

Entertainment => SMS & QUOTES => Topic started by: MysteRy on April 08, 2018, 08:42:52 PM

Title: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on April 08, 2018, 08:42:52 PM
Funny Quotes


Famous Funny quotes by popular authors such as Mitch Hedberg, Groucho Marx, W. C. Fields, Mark Twain, Woody Allen and others.

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[highlight-text]I rant therefore I am.

Dennis Miller
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on April 08, 2018, 08:43:51 PM
[highlight-text]I like children - fried.

W. C. Fields
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on April 08, 2018, 08:44:31 PM
[highlight-text]I dressed up for the CD.

Mitch Hedberg
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on April 08, 2018, 08:45:14 PM
[highlight-text]I am an atheist thank God!

Anonymous
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on April 08, 2018, 08:50:18 PM
[highlight-text]I like marriage. The idea.

Toni Morrison
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on April 08, 2018, 08:54:37 PM
[highlight-text]Gray hair is God's graffiti.

Bill Cosby
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on April 08, 2018, 09:04:54 PM
[highlight-text]Never floss with a stranger.

Joan Rivers
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on April 08, 2018, 09:10:54 PM
[highlight-text]Dogs are my favorite people.

Richard Dean Anderson
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on April 08, 2018, 09:11:33 PM
[highlight-text]TV is chewing gum for the eyes.

Frank Lloyd Wright
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on April 08, 2018, 09:12:08 PM
[highlight-text]Never fight an inanimate object.

P. J. O'Rourke
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on April 10, 2018, 06:26:35 PM
[highlight-text]Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

George Carlin
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on April 10, 2018, 06:27:56 PM
[highlight-text]A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.

Yogi Berra
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on April 10, 2018, 06:28:34 PM
[highlight-text]I think serial monogamy says it all.

Tracey Ullman
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on April 10, 2018, 06:29:16 PM
[highlight-text]As I get older I just prefer to knit.

Tracey Ullman
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on April 10, 2018, 06:29:49 PM
[highlight-text]I love New York City, I've got a gun.

Charles Barkley
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on April 10, 2018, 06:30:29 PM
[highlight-text]O Lord help me to be pure but not yet.

Saint Augustine
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on April 10, 2018, 06:31:05 PM
[highlight-text]I never said most of the things I said.

Yogi Berra
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on April 10, 2018, 06:31:43 PM
[highlight-text]I spent a year in that town one Sunday.

George Burns
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on April 10, 2018, 06:32:14 PM
[highlight-text]The superfluous a very necessary thing.

Voltaire
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on April 13, 2018, 06:23:07 PM
[highlight-text]Good Americans when they die go to Paris.

Thomas Gold Appleton
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on April 13, 2018, 06:23:38 PM
[highlight-text]I intend to live forever. So far so good.

Steven Wright
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on April 13, 2018, 06:24:11 PM
[highlight-text]I used to be Snow White... but I drifted.

Mae West
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on April 13, 2018, 06:27:51 PM
[highlight-text]You're only as good as your last haircut.

Fran Lebowitz
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on April 13, 2018, 06:28:31 PM
[highlight-text]My girl works at Hooters, in the kitchen.

Mitch Hedberg
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on April 13, 2018, 06:29:31 PM
[highlight-text]In God we trust; all others must pay cash.

American Saying
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on April 13, 2018, 06:30:22 PM
[highlight-text]Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

Anonymous
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on April 13, 2018, 06:32:40 PM
[highlight-text]I hope you live to be as old as your jokes.

Anonymous
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on April 13, 2018, 06:33:40 PM
[highlight-text]I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

Emo Philips
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on April 15, 2018, 11:37:50 AM
[highlight-text]If two wrongs don't make a right try three.

Laurence J. Peter
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on April 15, 2018, 11:38:42 AM
[highlight-text]Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

Groucho Marx
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on April 15, 2018, 11:39:30 AM
[highlight-text]When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

George Burns
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on April 15, 2018, 11:40:40 AM
[highlight-text]A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.

Mitch Hedberg
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on April 15, 2018, 11:41:36 AM
[highlight-text]I know lots more old drunks than old doctors.

Joe E. Lewis
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on April 15, 2018, 11:43:41 AM
[highlight-text]Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

Fran Lebowitz
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on April 15, 2018, 11:53:06 AM
[highlight-text]The wise make proverbs and fools repeat them.

Isaac Disraeli
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on April 15, 2018, 11:54:15 AM
[highlight-text]I'd luv to kiss ya but I just washed my hair.

Bette Davis
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on April 15, 2018, 11:55:35 AM
[highlight-text]Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.

Victor Hugo
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on April 15, 2018, 11:56:08 AM
[highlight-text]Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.

Lewis Mumford
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on April 30, 2018, 07:23:08 PM
[highlight-text]I have never been hurt by what I have not said.

Calvin Coolidge
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on April 30, 2018, 07:24:03 PM
[highlight-text]Electricity is really just organized lightning.

George Carlin
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on April 30, 2018, 07:24:44 PM
[highlight-text]I'm an ice sculptor - last night I made a cube.

Mitch Hedberg
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on April 30, 2018, 07:25:23 PM
[highlight-text]A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

Erma Bombeck
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on April 30, 2018, 07:26:03 PM
[highlight-text]I bought some batteries but they weren't included.

Steven Wright
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on April 30, 2018, 07:26:40 PM
[highlight-text]I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.

Warren Buffett
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on April 30, 2018, 07:27:20 PM
[highlight-text]God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.

Naguib Mahfouz
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on May 06, 2018, 07:16:58 PM
[highlight-text]Never have more children than you have car windows.

Erma Bombeck
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on May 06, 2018, 07:17:47 PM
[highlight-text]The way taxes are you might as well marry for love.

Joe E. Lewis
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on May 06, 2018, 07:18:28 PM
[highlight-text]I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

Mitch Hedberg
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on May 06, 2018, 07:19:01 PM
[highlight-text]We had a very successful trip to Russia we got back.

Bob Hope
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on May 06, 2018, 07:19:38 PM
[highlight-text]Wal-Mart what's that? Do they like make walls there?

Paris Hilton
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on May 06, 2018, 07:20:16 PM
[highlight-text]My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Woody Allen
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on May 06, 2018, 07:20:55 PM
[highlight-text]I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries.

Stephen King
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on May 06, 2018, 07:21:33 PM
[highlight-text]I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier.

Howard Nemerov
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on May 06, 2018, 07:22:16 PM
[highlight-text]I cook with wine sometimes I even add it to the food.

W. C. Fields
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on May 06, 2018, 07:23:35 PM
[highlight-text]I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Woody Allen
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on May 06, 2018, 07:24:19 PM
[highlight-text]I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles.

Gilbert K. Chesterton
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on May 06, 2018, 07:25:04 PM
[highlight-text]Insanity is hereditary, you get it from your children.

Sam Levenson
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on May 06, 2018, 07:25:52 PM
[highlight-text]If love is the answer could you rephrase the question?

Lily Tomlin
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on May 06, 2018, 07:26:30 PM
[highlight-text]I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.

W. C. Fields
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on May 06, 2018, 07:27:06 PM
[highlight-text]Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

W. C. Fields
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on May 06, 2018, 07:29:18 PM
[highlight-text]We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect.

Alanis Morissette
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on May 06, 2018, 07:29:55 PM
[highlight-text]Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

Edgar Bergen
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on May 06, 2018, 07:30:51 PM
[highlight-text]A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

Groucho Marx
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on May 06, 2018, 07:31:29 PM
[highlight-text]Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.

Mark Twain
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on May 13, 2018, 11:47:24 PM
[highlight-text]I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

Mitch Hedberg
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on May 13, 2018, 11:47:54 PM
[highlight-text]I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.

Arnold Schwarzenegger
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on May 13, 2018, 11:48:35 PM
[highlight-text]I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Groucho Marx
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on May 13, 2018, 11:49:03 PM
[highlight-text]I'm a great housekeeper: I get divorced I keep the house.

Zsa Zsa Gabor
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on May 13, 2018, 11:49:30 PM
[highlight-text]Curiosity killed the cat but for a while I was a suspect.

Steven Wright
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on May 31, 2018, 10:32:20 PM
[highlight-text]I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.

Bob Hope
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on May 31, 2018, 10:34:02 PM
[highlight-text]I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

Groucho Marx
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on May 31, 2018, 10:34:36 PM
[highlight-text]In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

Rita Rudner
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on May 31, 2018, 10:35:25 PM
[highlight-text]An escalator can never break - it can only become stairs.

Mitch Hedberg
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on May 31, 2018, 10:36:01 PM
[highlight-text]Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Groucho Marx
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on May 31, 2018, 10:36:52 PM
[highlight-text]I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Bertrand Russell
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on May 31, 2018, 10:37:30 PM
[highlight-text]Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

Fred Allen
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on May 31, 2018, 10:38:09 PM
[highlight-text]If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.

Woody Allen
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on May 31, 2018, 10:40:36 PM
[highlight-text]He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.

Zsa Zsa Gabor
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on May 31, 2018, 10:41:12 PM
[highlight-text]In comic strips the person on the left always speaks first.

George Carlin
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on May 31, 2018, 10:41:53 PM
[highlight-text]My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.

Spike Milligan
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on May 31, 2018, 10:42:35 PM
[highlight-text]I don't consider myself bald, I'm just taller than my hair.

Seneca
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on May 31, 2018, 10:43:11 PM
[highlight-text]My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Mitch Hedberg
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on May 31, 2018, 10:43:57 PM
[highlight-text]Get your facts first then you can distort them as you please.

Mark Twain
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on May 31, 2018, 10:44:51 PM
[highlight-text]Between two evils I always pick the one I never tried before.

Mae West
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on May 31, 2018, 10:45:29 PM
[highlight-text]Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Steven Wright
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 03, 2018, 01:24:27 PM
[highlight-text]I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.

David Lee Roth
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 03, 2018, 01:24:55 PM
[highlight-text]If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

Joan Rivers
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 03, 2018, 01:25:24 PM
[highlight-text]My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.

Mike Myers
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 03, 2018, 01:25:49 PM
[highlight-text]Roses are red violets are blue I'm schizophrenic and so am I.

Oscar Levant
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 03, 2018, 01:26:17 PM
[highlight-text]I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

Mitch Hedberg
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 03, 2018, 01:26:45 PM
[highlight-text]Advertising is the most fun you can have with your clothes on.

Jerry Delia Femina
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 03, 2018, 01:27:15 PM
[highlight-text]Man was made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.

Mark Twain
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 03, 2018, 01:27:49 PM
[highlight-text]Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.

P. J. O'Rourke
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 03, 2018, 01:28:17 PM
[highlight-text]I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket.

Mitch Hedberg
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 03, 2018, 01:28:47 PM
[highlight-text]There's a difference between a philosophy and a bumper sticker.

Charles M. Schulz
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 03, 2018, 01:29:32 PM
[highlight-text]By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's I mean.

Mark Twain
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 03, 2018, 01:30:24 PM
[highlight-text]There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

Henry Kissinger
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 03, 2018, 01:30:54 PM
[highlight-text]I was sleeping the other night alone thanks to the exterminator.

Emo Philips
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 03, 2018, 01:31:20 PM
[highlight-text]I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going but I'm on my way.

Carl Sandburg
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 03, 2018, 01:31:50 PM
[highlight-text]It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.

Jay London
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 03, 2018, 01:32:17 PM
[highlight-text]Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.

Samuel Butler
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 03, 2018, 01:32:43 PM
[highlight-text]What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

George Carlin
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 03, 2018, 01:33:15 PM
[highlight-text]Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?

Mitch Hedberg
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 03, 2018, 01:33:43 PM
[highlight-text]A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Michel de Montaigne
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 03, 2018, 01:34:06 PM
[highlight-text]My computer beat me at checkers but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

Emo Philips
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 04, 2018, 06:55:31 PM
[highlight-text]The secret to success is to offend the greatest number of people.

George Bernard Shaw
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 04, 2018, 06:56:10 PM
[highlight-text]My doctor said I look like a million dollars - green and wrinkled.

Red Skelton
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 04, 2018, 06:56:47 PM
[highlight-text]One reason people get divorced is that they run out of gift ideas.

Robert Byrne
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 04, 2018, 06:57:27 PM
[highlight-text]A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.

Bob Hope
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 04, 2018, 06:58:04 PM
[highlight-text]Drawing on my fine command of the English language I said nothing.

Robert Benchley
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 04, 2018, 06:58:39 PM
[highlight-text]Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.

Chevy Chase
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 04, 2018, 06:59:22 PM
[highlight-text]The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

E. Joseph Cossman
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 04, 2018, 07:00:03 PM
[highlight-text]California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.

Fred Allen
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 04, 2018, 07:00:36 PM
[highlight-text]A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me I'm afraid of widths.

Steven Wright
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 04, 2018, 07:01:15 PM
[highlight-text]All right everyone line up alphabetically according to your height.

Casey Stengel
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 04, 2018, 07:02:07 PM
[highlight-text]I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.

Charles M. Schulz
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 04, 2018, 07:02:44 PM
[highlight-text]Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.

Benjamin Franklin
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 04, 2018, 07:03:30 PM
[highlight-text]I distrust camels and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

Joe E. Lewis
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 04, 2018, 07:04:05 PM
[highlight-text]My father would take me to the playground and put me on mood swings.

Jay London
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 04, 2018, 07:04:48 PM
[highlight-text]Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.

Alfred Hitchcock
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 04, 2018, 07:05:25 PM
[highlight-text]Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

Bill Cosby
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 04, 2018, 07:06:02 PM
[highlight-text]I haven't spoken to my wife in years - I didn't want to interrupt her.

Rodney Dangerfield
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 04, 2018, 07:06:37 PM
[highlight-text]Everybody knows how to raise children except the people who have them.

P. J. O'Rourke
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 04, 2018, 07:07:32 PM
[highlight-text]I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

Rodney Dangerfield
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 06, 2018, 07:03:08 PM
[highlight-text]If truth is beauty how come no one has their hair done in the library?

Lily Tomlin
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 06, 2018, 07:06:35 PM
[highlight-text]I am not afraid of death I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Woody Allen
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 06, 2018, 07:11:28 PM
[highlight-text]Golf is a game in which you yell 'fore ' shoot six and write down five.

Paul Harvey
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 06, 2018, 07:15:21 PM
[highlight-text]I like it when people laugh for no reason... like that lady over there.

Mitch Hedberg
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 06, 2018, 07:17:19 PM
[highlight-text]I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down.

Mitch Hedberg
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 06, 2018, 07:18:29 PM
[highlight-text]Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.

Henry Mencken
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 06, 2018, 07:20:07 PM
[highlight-text]Enjoy life. Think of all the women who passed up dessert on the Titanic.

Anonymous
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 06, 2018, 07:20:54 PM
[highlight-text]I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

Fred Allen
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 06, 2018, 07:26:33 PM
[highlight-text]If my films make one more person miserable I'll feel I have done my job.

Woody Allen
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 06, 2018, 07:42:50 PM
[highlight-text](From the enclosed booklet) Jamaican Air -- Every flight is the red-eye!

Mitch Hedberg
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 06, 2018, 07:43:37 PM
[highlight-text]Everybody should believe in something; I believe I'll have another drink.

Anonymous
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 06, 2018, 07:44:16 PM
[highlight-text]Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind it doesn't matter.

Mark Twain
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 06, 2018, 07:44:53 PM
[highlight-text]The four building blocks of the universe are fire water gravel and vinyl.

Dave Barry
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 06, 2018, 07:45:33 PM
[highlight-text]I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.

Paula Poundstone
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 06, 2018, 07:46:21 PM
[highlight-text]I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

Woody Allen
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 06, 2018, 07:49:59 PM
[highlight-text]I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.

Gerald R. Ford
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 06, 2018, 07:50:37 PM
[highlight-text]Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.

Mitch Hedberg
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 06, 2018, 07:53:29 PM
[highlight-text]I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes I had one thousand and sixty.

Imelda Marcos
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 08, 2018, 08:53:58 PM
[highlight-text]Golf is not a matter of life or death. It is much more important than that.

Rod Powers
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 08, 2018, 08:55:01 PM
[highlight-text]Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.

Henry Kissinger
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 08, 2018, 08:57:01 PM
[highlight-text]There's a great power in words if you don't hitch too many of them together.

Josh Billings
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 08, 2018, 08:57:53 PM
[highlight-text]I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, 'Dude, you have to wait.'

Mitch Hedberg
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 08, 2018, 09:01:32 PM
[highlight-text]I don't like talking to people I know, but strangers, I have no problem with.

Larry David
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 08, 2018, 09:02:20 PM
[highlight-text]I don't say my golf game is bad but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced.

Miller Barber
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 08, 2018, 09:03:01 PM
[highlight-text]A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Groucho Marx
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 08, 2018, 09:03:56 PM
[highlight-text]Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

Hedy Lamarr
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 08, 2018, 09:04:45 PM
[highlight-text]I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.

James Brown
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 08, 2018, 09:06:29 PM
[highlight-text]The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.

Natalie Wood
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 08, 2018, 09:07:05 PM
[highlight-text]Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.

Robert Byrne
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 08, 2018, 09:08:24 PM
[highlight-text]People always ask me 'Were you funny as a child?' Well no I was an accountant.

Ellen DeGeneres
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 08, 2018, 09:12:34 PM
[highlight-text]Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.

Ronald Reagan
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 08, 2018, 09:13:47 PM
[highlight-text]I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.

Mitch Hedberg
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 08, 2018, 09:19:24 PM
[highlight-text]Happiness is having a large loving caring close-knit family... in another city.

George Burns
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 08, 2018, 09:20:08 PM
[highlight-text]A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

Bill Cosby
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 08, 2018, 09:21:09 PM
[highlight-text]I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.

Samuel Goldwyn
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 08, 2018, 09:21:48 PM
[highlight-text]I sang in the choir for years even though my family belonged to another church.

Paul Lynde
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 13, 2018, 10:39:40 PM
[highlight-text]I'd never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room.

Mercedes McCambridge
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 13, 2018, 10:40:25 PM
[highlight-text]Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.

Robert Orben
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 13, 2018, 10:41:19 PM
[highlight-text]Smoking kills. If you're killed you've lost a very important part of your life.

Brooke Shields
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 13, 2018, 10:41:59 PM
[highlight-text]I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say 'I'm hungry,' so it died.

Mitch Hedberg
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 13, 2018, 10:42:45 PM
[highlight-text]When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade, make life take the lemons back!

Cave Johnson
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 13, 2018, 10:43:47 PM
[highlight-text]It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

Henry Mencken
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 13, 2018, 10:44:29 PM
[highlight-text]I don't want to play golf. When I hit a ball I want someone else to go chase it.

Rogers Hornsby
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 13, 2018, 10:45:40 PM
[highlight-text]When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

Mitch Hedberg
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 13, 2018, 10:46:17 PM
[highlight-text]I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first divorced me and the second won't.

Anonymous
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 13, 2018, 10:46:53 PM
[highlight-text]A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.

George Bernard Shaw
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 18, 2018, 08:52:35 PM
[highlight-text]I always wanted to be somebody but now I realize I should have been more specific.

Lily Tomlin
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 18, 2018, 08:53:24 PM
[highlight-text]After a year of therapy my psychiatrist said to me 'Maybe life isn't for everyone.'

Larry Brown
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 18, 2018, 08:54:59 PM
[highlight-text]Older people shouldn't eat health food they need all the preservatives they can get.

Robert Orben
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 18, 2018, 08:55:55 PM
[highlight-text]Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

Mel Brooks
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 18, 2018, 08:56:47 PM
[highlight-text]I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

Mitch Hedberg
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 18, 2018, 08:57:33 PM
[highlight-text]Brought up to respect the conventions love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.

Bette Davis
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 18, 2018, 08:58:29 PM
[highlight-text]If you have dentures, don't use artificial sweetener, cause you'll get a fake cavity.

Mitch Hedberg
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 18, 2018, 08:59:20 PM
[highlight-text]If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.

Mitch Hedberg
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 18, 2018, 09:00:02 PM
[highlight-text]A fly was very close to being called a 'land,' cause that's what they do half the time.

Mitch Hedberg
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 18, 2018, 09:00:50 PM
[highlight-text]If people focused on life's really important matters there'd be a shortage of golf clubs.

Anonymous
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 18, 2018, 09:01:36 PM
[highlight-text]Always end the name of your child with a vowel so that when you yell the name will carry.

Bill Cosby
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 20, 2018, 09:00:36 PM
[highlight-text]Have enough sense to know ahead of time when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.

Marilyn vos Savant
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 20, 2018, 09:04:53 PM
[highlight-text]Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.

Bill Cosby
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 20, 2018, 09:08:37 PM
[highlight-text]I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.


Will Rogers
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 20, 2018, 09:13:52 PM
[highlight-text]Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.

Laurence J. Peter
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 20, 2018, 09:14:45 PM
[highlight-text]My wife is the most wonderful woman in the world and that's not just my opinion - it's hers.

Anonymous
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 20, 2018, 09:20:59 PM
[highlight-text]Why did God make man before he made woman? Because he didn't want any advice on how to do it.

Anonymous
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 20, 2018, 09:25:05 PM
[highlight-text]The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.

Jay Leno
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 20, 2018, 09:35:53 PM
[highlight-text]Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.

Albert Einstein
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 20, 2018, 09:38:35 PM
[highlight-text]TwoMy doctor gave me six months to live but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more.

Walter Mattbau
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 20, 2018, 09:39:28 PM
[highlight-text]If at first you don't succeed try try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it.

W. C. Fields
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 20, 2018, 09:40:58 PM
[highlight-text]I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.

Will Rogers
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 20, 2018, 09:42:01 PM
[highlight-text]Give me golf clubs fresh air and a beautiful partner and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.

Jack Benny
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 20, 2018, 09:43:18 PM
[highlight-text]I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things and I have succeeded fairly well.

Robert Benchley
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 20, 2018, 09:45:18 PM
[highlight-text]Money won't buy happiness but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.

Bill Vaughan
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 20, 2018, 09:46:04 PM
[highlight-text]I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. NOTHING WAS ALPHABETIZED!

Mitch Hedberg
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 20, 2018, 09:50:24 PM
[highlight-text]People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Unless, of course, they enjoy many broken windows.

Mitch Hedberg
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 20, 2018, 09:51:25 PM
[highlight-text]I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Mitch Hedberg
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 20, 2018, 10:01:26 PM
[highlight-text]I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.

Mitch Hedberg
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 21, 2018, 08:10:36 PM
[highlight-text]That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.

Joe Rogan
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 21, 2018, 08:11:37 PM
[highlight-text]The number one cause of alcoholic relapse in winged insects is being trapped in a pint glass with an ashtray.

Mitch Hedberg
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 21, 2018, 08:13:00 PM
[highlight-text]It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

Dave Barry
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 21, 2018, 08:14:21 PM
[highlight-text]I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas people behind me stop and I'm gone.

Steven Wright
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 21, 2018, 08:16:45 PM
[highlight-text]Whenever I go to shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving, so I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Mitch Hedberg
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 21, 2018, 08:19:29 PM
[highlight-text]If I was on death row and given one last meal I would ask for a fortune cookie. 'Come on 'long prosperous life!''

Mitch Hedberg
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 21, 2018, 08:20:27 PM
[highlight-text]You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.

Mitch Hedberg
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 21, 2018, 08:25:34 PM
[highlight-text]The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

Johnny Carson
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 21, 2018, 08:26:45 PM
[highlight-text]A lot of people have asked me how short I am. Since my last divorce I think I'm about a hundred thousand dollars short.

Mickey Rooney
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 21, 2018, 08:27:57 PM
[highlight-text]I angered the clerk in a clothing shop today. She asked me what size I was and I said actual, because I am not to scale.

Mitch Hedberg
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 21, 2018, 08:29:48 PM
[highlight-text]I lived in Miami for a while in a section with a lot of really old people. The average age in my apartment house was dead.

Gabe Kaplan
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 21, 2018, 08:31:10 PM
[highlight-text]I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

Frank Sinatra
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 21, 2018, 08:36:55 PM
[highlight-text]If I bought a company that made hot dog buns, on Day 1 we would add 2 buns to every package... Day 2, work on deliciousness.

Mitch Hedberg
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 21, 2018, 08:38:07 PM
[highlight-text]The day I made that statement about the inventing the internet I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.

Al Gore
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 21, 2018, 08:40:46 PM
[highlight-text]I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. First let her think she's having her own way. And second let her have it.

Lyndon B. Johnson
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 21, 2018, 08:41:39 PM
[highlight-text]I don't have any children but if I had a baby I would have to name it so I'd buy a 'baby naming book'. Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.

Mitch Hedberg
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 21, 2018, 08:42:51 PM
[highlight-text]My wife and I just celebrated our twelfth anniversary. I'm Catholic so there's no real possibility of divorce. I'm Irish - so there is the possibility of murder.

J. J. Wall
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 21, 2018, 08:43:40 PM
[highlight-text]My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder yes but divorce never.

Jack Benny
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 21, 2018, 08:45:45 PM
[highlight-text]By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade. You could just be...a thirsty dude! Gatorade forgets about this demographic!

Mitch Hedberg
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 21, 2018, 08:46:50 PM
[highlight-text]I like vending machines 'cause snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, oftentimes, I will drop it... so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.

Mitch Hedberg
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 24, 2018, 07:20:02 PM
[highlight-text]We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now thanks to the Internet we know this is not true.

Robert Wilensky
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 24, 2018, 07:20:45 PM
[highlight-text]I walked into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around. And, when I finally get in, the guy says, 'Can I help you?' 'Just practicing.'

Mitch Hedberg
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 24, 2018, 07:21:28 PM
[highlight-text]If you're watchin' a parade, make sure you stand in one spot, don't follow it, it never changes. And if the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction, you will fast-foward the parade.

Mitch Hedberg
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 24, 2018, 07:22:10 PM
[highlight-text]This is what my friend said to me; he said, 'Guess what I like? Mashed potatoes.' It's like,'Dude. you gotta give me time to guess. If you're gonna quiz me, you must insert a pause in there.'

Mitch Hedberg
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 24, 2018, 07:22:50 PM
[highlight-text]The Kit-Kat candy bar has the name 'Kit-Kat' imprinted into the chocolate...that robs you of chocolate! That is a clever chocolate saving technique. I go down to the factory, 'You owe me some letters!'

Mitch Hedberg
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 24, 2018, 07:23:44 PM
[highlight-text]Sometimes in the middle of the night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.

Mitch Hedberg
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 24, 2018, 07:24:24 PM
[highlight-text]See, this CD is in stores. The only way I could get my old CD into a store is if I were to take one in and leave it. Then the guys says, 'Sir, you forgot this!' 'No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it.'

Mitch Hedberg
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 24, 2018, 07:25:19 PM
[highlight-text]My friend said to me, 'I think the weather's trippy.' I said, 'No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy.' Then I thought, 'Man, I should have just said, 'Yeah.''

Mitch Hedberg
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 24, 2018, 07:26:39 PM
[highlight-text]You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number to be catchy? But often times they use too many letters. 'Give us a call down here at 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Carpeting.' It's too many letters, man. 'Hello?' 'Hold on, I'm only on 'Enjoy'! How did you know I was calling? I can see why they hired you!'

Mitch Hedberg
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 24, 2018, 07:27:28 PM
[highlight-text]Experts tell us that if the Millennium Bug is not fixed when the year 2000 arrives our financial records will be inaccurate our telephone system will be unreliable our government will be paralyzed and airline flights will be canceled without warning. In other words things will be pretty much the same as they are now.

Dave Barry
Title: Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
Post by: MysteRy on June 24, 2018, 07:28:20 PM
[highlight-text]I was at the airport a while back and some guy said, 'Hey man, I saw you on TV last night.' But he did not say whether or not he thought I was good, he was just confirming that he saw me on television. So I turned my head away for about a minute, and looked back at him and said, 'Dude! I saw you at the airport...about a minute ago... and you were good.'

Mitch Hedberg