~ Funny Quotes ~

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. NOTHING WAS ALPHABETIZED!

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Unless, of course, they enjoy many broken windows.

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.

Joe Rogan

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]The number one cause of alcoholic relapse in winged insects is being trapped in a pint glass with an ashtray.

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

Dave Barry

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas people behind me stop and I'm gone.

Steven Wright

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]Whenever I go to shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving, so I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]If I was on death row and given one last meal I would ask for a fortune cookie. 'Come on 'long prosperous life!''

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

Johnny Carson

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]A lot of people have asked me how short I am. Since my last divorce I think I'm about a hundred thousand dollars short.

Mickey Rooney

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]I angered the clerk in a clothing shop today. She asked me what size I was and I said actual, because I am not to scale.

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]I lived in Miami for a while in a section with a lot of really old people. The average age in my apartment house was dead.

Gabe Kaplan