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~ Funny Quotes ~
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Topic: ~ Funny Quotes ~ (Read 16691 times)
MysteRy
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♥♥ Positive Thinking Will Let U Do Everything ♥♥
Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
«
Reply #210 on:
June 21, 2018, 08:31:10 PM »
[highlight-text]I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
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MysteRy
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Posts: 218374
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♥♥ Positive Thinking Will Let U Do Everything ♥♥
Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
«
Reply #211 on:
June 21, 2018, 08:36:55 PM »
[highlight-text]If I bought a company that made hot dog buns, on Day 1 we would add 2 buns to every package... Day 2, work on deliciousness.
Mitch Hedberg
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MysteRy
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♥♥ Positive Thinking Will Let U Do Everything ♥♥
Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
«
Reply #212 on:
June 21, 2018, 08:38:07 PM »
[highlight-text]The day I made that statement about the inventing the internet I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore
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MysteRy
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♥♥ Positive Thinking Will Let U Do Everything ♥♥
Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
«
Reply #213 on:
June 21, 2018, 08:40:46 PM »
[highlight-text]I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. First let her think she's having her own way. And second let her have it.
Lyndon B. Johnson
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MysteRy
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♥♥ Positive Thinking Will Let U Do Everything ♥♥
Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
«
Reply #214 on:
June 21, 2018, 08:41:39 PM »
[highlight-text]I don't have any children but if I had a baby I would have to name it so I'd buy a 'baby naming book'. Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.
Mitch Hedberg
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MysteRy
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♥♥ Positive Thinking Will Let U Do Everything ♥♥
Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
«
Reply #215 on:
June 21, 2018, 08:42:51 PM »
[highlight-text]My wife and I just celebrated our twelfth anniversary. I'm Catholic so there's no real possibility of divorce. I'm Irish - so there is the possibility of murder.
J. J. Wall
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MysteRy
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♥♥ Positive Thinking Will Let U Do Everything ♥♥
Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
«
Reply #216 on:
June 21, 2018, 08:43:40 PM »
[highlight-text]My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder yes but divorce never.
Jack Benny
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MysteRy
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♥♥ Positive Thinking Will Let U Do Everything ♥♥
Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
«
Reply #217 on:
June 21, 2018, 08:45:45 PM »
[highlight-text]By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade. You could just be...a thirsty dude! Gatorade forgets about this demographic!
Mitch Hedberg
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MysteRy
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♥♥ Positive Thinking Will Let U Do Everything ♥♥
Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
«
Reply #218 on:
June 21, 2018, 08:46:50 PM »
[highlight-text]I like vending machines 'cause snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, oftentimes, I will drop it... so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.
Mitch Hedberg
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MysteRy
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♥♥ Positive Thinking Will Let U Do Everything ♥♥
Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
«
Reply #219 on:
June 24, 2018, 07:20:02 PM »
[highlight-text]We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now thanks to the Internet we know this is not true.
Robert Wilensky
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MysteRy
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♥♥ Positive Thinking Will Let U Do Everything ♥♥
Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
«
Reply #220 on:
June 24, 2018, 07:20:45 PM »
[highlight-text]I walked into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around. And, when I finally get in, the guy says, 'Can I help you?' 'Just practicing.'
Mitch Hedberg
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MysteRy
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♥♥ Positive Thinking Will Let U Do Everything ♥♥
Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
«
Reply #221 on:
June 24, 2018, 07:21:28 PM »
[highlight-text]If you're watchin' a parade, make sure you stand in one spot, don't follow it, it never changes. And if the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction, you will fast-foward the parade.
Mitch Hedberg
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MysteRy
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♥♥ Positive Thinking Will Let U Do Everything ♥♥
Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
«
Reply #222 on:
June 24, 2018, 07:22:10 PM »
[highlight-text]This is what my friend said to me; he said, 'Guess what I like? Mashed potatoes.' It's like,'Dude. you gotta give me time to guess. If you're gonna quiz me, you must insert a pause in there.'
Mitch Hedberg
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MysteRy
Global Moderator
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Posts: 218374
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♥♥ Positive Thinking Will Let U Do Everything ♥♥
Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
«
Reply #223 on:
June 24, 2018, 07:22:50 PM »
[highlight-text]The Kit-Kat candy bar has the name 'Kit-Kat' imprinted into the chocolate...that robs you of chocolate! That is a clever chocolate saving technique. I go down to the factory, 'You owe me some letters!'
Mitch Hedberg
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MysteRy
Global Moderator
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Posts: 218374
Total likes: 23062
Karma: +2/-0
Gender:
♥♥ Positive Thinking Will Let U Do Everything ♥♥
Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
«
Reply #224 on:
June 24, 2018, 07:23:44 PM »
[highlight-text]Sometimes in the middle of the night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.
Mitch Hedberg
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