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~ Funny Quotes ~
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Topic: ~ Funny Quotes ~ (Read 16386 times)
MysteRy
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♥♥ Positive Thinking Will Let U Do Everything ♥♥
Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
«
Reply #195 on:
June 20, 2018, 09:46:04 PM »
[highlight-text]I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. NOTHING WAS ALPHABETIZED!
Mitch Hedberg
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MysteRy
Global Moderator
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Posts: 218364
Total likes: 23061
Karma: +2/-0
Gender:
♥♥ Positive Thinking Will Let U Do Everything ♥♥
Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
«
Reply #196 on:
June 20, 2018, 09:50:24 PM »
[highlight-text]People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Unless, of course, they enjoy many broken windows.
Mitch Hedberg
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MysteRy
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Posts: 218364
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♥♥ Positive Thinking Will Let U Do Everything ♥♥
Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
«
Reply #197 on:
June 20, 2018, 09:51:25 PM »
[highlight-text]I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
Mitch Hedberg
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MysteRy
Global Moderator
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Posts: 218364
Total likes: 23061
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♥♥ Positive Thinking Will Let U Do Everything ♥♥
Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
«
Reply #198 on:
June 20, 2018, 10:01:26 PM »
[highlight-text]I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.
Mitch Hedberg
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MysteRy
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Posts: 218364
Total likes: 23061
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♥♥ Positive Thinking Will Let U Do Everything ♥♥
Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
«
Reply #199 on:
June 21, 2018, 08:10:36 PM »
[highlight-text]That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.
Joe Rogan
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MysteRy
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Posts: 218364
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♥♥ Positive Thinking Will Let U Do Everything ♥♥
Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
«
Reply #200 on:
June 21, 2018, 08:11:37 PM »
[highlight-text]The number one cause of alcoholic relapse in winged insects is being trapped in a pint glass with an ashtray.
Mitch Hedberg
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MysteRy
Global Moderator
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Posts: 218364
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♥♥ Positive Thinking Will Let U Do Everything ♥♥
Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
«
Reply #201 on:
June 21, 2018, 08:13:00 PM »
[highlight-text]It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
Dave Barry
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MysteRy
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♥♥ Positive Thinking Will Let U Do Everything ♥♥
Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
«
Reply #202 on:
June 21, 2018, 08:14:21 PM »
[highlight-text]I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas people behind me stop and I'm gone.
Steven Wright
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MysteRy
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Posts: 218364
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♥♥ Positive Thinking Will Let U Do Everything ♥♥
Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
«
Reply #203 on:
June 21, 2018, 08:16:45 PM »
[highlight-text]Whenever I go to shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving, so I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Mitch Hedberg
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MysteRy
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Posts: 218364
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♥♥ Positive Thinking Will Let U Do Everything ♥♥
Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
«
Reply #204 on:
June 21, 2018, 08:19:29 PM »
[highlight-text]If I was on death row and given one last meal I would ask for a fortune cookie. 'Come on 'long prosperous life!''
Mitch Hedberg
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MysteRy
Global Moderator
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Posts: 218364
Total likes: 23061
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Gender:
♥♥ Positive Thinking Will Let U Do Everything ♥♥
Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
«
Reply #205 on:
June 21, 2018, 08:20:27 PM »
[highlight-text]You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.
Mitch Hedberg
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MysteRy
Global Moderator
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Posts: 218364
Total likes: 23061
Karma: +2/-0
Gender:
♥♥ Positive Thinking Will Let U Do Everything ♥♥
Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
«
Reply #206 on:
June 21, 2018, 08:25:34 PM »
[highlight-text]The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
Johnny Carson
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MysteRy
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Posts: 218364
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♥♥ Positive Thinking Will Let U Do Everything ♥♥
Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
«
Reply #207 on:
June 21, 2018, 08:26:45 PM »
[highlight-text]A lot of people have asked me how short I am. Since my last divorce I think I'm about a hundred thousand dollars short.
Mickey Rooney
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MysteRy
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Posts: 218364
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♥♥ Positive Thinking Will Let U Do Everything ♥♥
Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
«
Reply #208 on:
June 21, 2018, 08:27:57 PM »
[highlight-text]I angered the clerk in a clothing shop today. She asked me what size I was and I said actual, because I am not to scale.
Mitch Hedberg
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MysteRy
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Posts: 218364
Total likes: 23061
Karma: +2/-0
Gender:
♥♥ Positive Thinking Will Let U Do Everything ♥♥
Re: ~ Funny Quotes ~
«
Reply #209 on:
June 21, 2018, 08:29:48 PM »
[highlight-text]I lived in Miami for a while in a section with a lot of really old people. The average age in my apartment house was dead.
Gabe Kaplan
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~ Funny Quotes ~